[DISCLAIMER: WOMEN GO THROUGH THE SAME EMOTIONS, I AM ONLY DESCRIBING IT FROM MY EXPERIENCE. THIS CONTENT COULD BRING UP FEELINGS FROM THE PAST, PLEASE BRACE YOURSELF BEFORE READING. IT GETS DEEP AND IS VERY REAL, YET EDUCATIONAL.]
[WARNING: THIS CONTENT MAY BE CONSIDERED GRAPHIC IN NATURE AND REQUIRES SUPERVISION IF UNDER THE AGE OF 16]
MEN ARE SILENT VICTIMS. ABUSE GOES BOTH WAYS.
Men are silent victims of domestic abuse. Everyday there is another male victim of domestic abuse that goes unreported. This is a profound claim, but let's go deeper into why this is a cold hard fact. As history should have it and with how the average male persona goes... Men do not want to appear weak, so they don't speak out about the abuse they may endure. Instead of speaking out it's quite the opposite, men hide behind fake smiles and joke about things to keep their mind off of the abuse their partner, family member, acquaintance, or even a stranger could be or have subjected them to in the past.
What we see more often than not in today's age is that after a woman calls 911 on a man, the man in question is immediately accused of abuse, and the cops, the judge, the prosecutors and even their friends or family often tend to believe the woman over the man, and these people who the man thought he was closest to hadn't even asked the male victim what had even happened, yet somehow assumes the worst of the male without ever gathering any of the facts themselves. It's a plague that we are slowly changing for good in American society, and hopefully we are able to better the domestic situation for everyone all across the world.
But still the dark fact remains that all victims, but men in particular are often willingly choosing to become silent victims to their abusers. What typically happens is that men who are full of pride, yet have had their ego bashed as far into the ground as possible by their abusers, well... they do not want to call the cops on their female lovers, and even more grim is that most won't. Why is that though? The embarrassing truth is that most men wouldn't want to see their girlfriend or baby momma go to jail, especially if they happen to be pregnant, or after having their first child together. Most men in that situation would feel like they would want to protect their so-called better-half, because maybe they know what it is like to be incarcerated, or for some deep dark reason, they feel the need to protect their abuser... that's when it becomes a typical case of abuse where finally authorities are involved, but the one getting abused lays no blame on their abuser/spouse.
That scenario could be an actual reality of this situation for a variety of reasons, but the biggest 3 would be because:
The victim wants to show their lover respect, and for that they pay the price of being the victim.
They have a false belief that they are in this alone and that they can't survive without their abuser.
The victim is afraid of what the abuser or one of their family members might do in retaliation.
CHANCE TRAHAN IS A SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC ABUSE
To someone like me who has been through it as a male victim, I can surely say that I am thankful to have survived and that I can see and talk to my family and that I can't wait to see my kids, but also that anyone going through this doesn't need to feel afraid to leave with their kids if it means their safety or whether they are going to turn out to be a better person in the long run once they've grown older. Women leave men with the kids for those reasons all the time. They have family members that help. Do whatever it takes, or she'll be doing it to you, but only if she's purely narcissistic.
Given how complex and complicated this can turn out to be, the concept of the actual situation seems so simple to me: Men want nothing more than a happy family. This can lead to some peculiar situations that can trap the male into a lot more trouble than he bargained for. The male could have the cops called on him and be thrown in jail, and before he knows it, he could be falsely prosecuted of domestic violence and then even have to pay upwards of $15,000 in court costs and litigation services alone. This could end up being viewed as a hostile attack, a deeply depression/anger/frustration inducing ordeal, and an extremely expensive experience to have to endure indeed. To someone being the full-time-dad where they are the one employed with watching the kids full-time with no active job and also being out of work for all these years, this can be quite a struggle to ever overcome(This is only if suicide from the depression of the victim hasn't come into play first).
It's dark, it's deep, it's ugly and no one wants to even touch it. In all seriousness, no one wants to touch a family law case. It's so bad that judges have to be put on a rotation of what types of cases they are judging, they don't get to pick what kind of judge they are from what I gathered, but this is my experience in Arizona courts, particularly in the Phoenix and Mesa areas. In most situations, all of these negative experiences could have easily been avoided years before it ever happened, but the typical abusive personality can be very convincing and manipulative which can render their victim incapable of having any self-esteem. Most often the male is there to play the role of protecting their family that he had helped create, and when their attacker becomes one of their own, what is the male to do?
These experiences put forth on any given human being could be extremely detrimental to one's psyche and the victim could even end up feeling like they should just remain a wallflower and shouldn't strike up conversations with other people because it could get out of hand very fast. Walking around with that kind of complex might even damage the victim's own life, much less have negative effects on their potential love life after the fact of their abuse taking place.
When it comes to the legal side of this retrospect, not only can all of the lawyers involved be frustratingly hard to deal with when you're the victim and the lawyer is just being used to victimize you even more, but women have been known to be extremely malevolent just to get their way. Women can also be very manipulative and use their seduction in order to trap the male into yet another situation of enduring erratic behavior later on in the life of their volatile relationship. The legal side of this will not only have a negative effect on the male's reputation, but also could and will bear a negative effect on the lives of their kids. The kids could be getting abused, and with a malicious protective order in place keeping the man from his own kids, there's not much the man can do to fight back or defend his kids from being subjected to such abuse(Especially when he's the one who was responsible for constantly watching the kids and has no means to fight back).
You could be fighting the criminal side of this entire experience for a year or more and the whole time you are still having to focus on getting the family law case started. The court system could take almost a year to handle a family court case once they are involved, and then it could still stem out for years and years when trying to get rights to see your kids back. By that time, the kids could be fully grown, dead, abused to the point of acting out wildly trying to get attention, neglected of basic human rights. That may seem dramatic to you, but after enduring such wild abuse these are the thoughts the victim wakes up and goes to sleep thinking about because they know, they remember, and they are very afraid. This is the hardest part for the victim... the thoughts. The thoughts they are left alone with. Some longing for their family again, some violent, some reminiscent, some suicidal, but the best thoughts to have in this situation are the plans you start to make of that things to do when they get to see their kid.
But the biggest heartbreak, because he heart isn't so easily mended, is to think that these are the most tender years of the things kids/toddlers will learn growing up in life, and what can the male do to prove all of this is even happening? Because of how hard the outdated archaic judicial system is to navigate, and how biased the court personnel can be towards the mother of the kids, no, it seems that the parent who wants to protect their kids from their abuser can't do much. What's worst is that the victim's family members struggle to be able to do anything for any of the victims. It's especially hard on the rest of the victim's family because their family wants to help, but they have tried everything in their power and there's literally nothing they can do anymore. So, how does this effect their family life? It puts an unbearable strain on their relationship at first, those first moments are terrible, awful, sad and dark times for the victim and their families.
Just to recap the entire scenario:
○ The male abuse victim is framed for the abuse they're enduring after first being seduced and manipulated
○ The victim is blindsided by this sudden behavior of the finger being pointed at them
○ The truth is misconstrued to make the male look like the abuser
○ The authorities don't care about the truth or your testimony(They see it as false and you as non-coherent)
○ The victim feels a strong sense of shock and abandonment
○ Legal fees, processes and dealing with lawyers is expensive and beyond infuriating
○ The victim now feels helpless and thoughts of suicide start sinking in
○ The victim has fits of uncontrollable OCD for desperate measures
○ The kids are the real victims and used as a pawn to taunt their victim
○ The victim now wants to resolve anything by any means necessary but feels helpless and even more desperate
○ The victim is then left alienated and is a 'Parental Alienation' victim in the wake of reckless abandonment
This type of narcissistic abuse can have serious psychological long term negative effects on the true victim of the crime in this situation, and needless to say, on the kids as well. When the dad finally gets to see the kids, they could be showing signs of sexual abuse, and Child Protective Services being involved could only make matters worse. Maybe the dad has tried writing emails to the abusive mom, but the abusive mom only neglects the emails. Maybe the abusive mom finally lets the dad see the kids after months of neglecting his letters, but only for the dad to find out his kids are being neglected and are sick, and then the dad gets sick because he's so happy to see his kids that he can't help but to want to be close to them and shows them affection at any cost because he knows that it might be the last time he ever gets to see his kids again.
The kids will grow up and see the truth, they will know the abuse they've been through, they will see the difference between the loving parent and the hateful, deceitful and harmful parent and they will naturally gravitate towards the parent that nurtures their creativity. Any attempt by the father trying to get custody of his children could be met with legal taunting and further abuse of the legal system, legal threats to further prosecute him, incarcerate him, and what does the judicial system do for these individuals? Not much. Most protective orders for women are granted in the blink of an eye, but several attempts have to be made for the male to be protected by the judicial system.. and why, because males can protect themselves against anything thrown at them, right? Wrong, no one is invincible.
The judicial system makes it hard for men to speak out about abuse and when the protective order or restraining order processes are abused, the males are all so easily deemed by that system to be the abuser. That is a hard societal issue, that men are often seen as the abuser and that only the women get to give their side of the story. Although this is changing in western society, this is a slow change and many families are being destroyed by this outdated way of thinking.
The men in this situation have mostly let the women have all the power, even over 25 years later, the male still feels the effects of being the victim. The mother's violence towards the kids can leave heavy scars, even on the siblings. It takes a toll on everyone emotionally, even on the mother. She might self-medicate on drugs to numb their pain and hide the shame of what they are doing. But the effects still show. The parties involved may never get over it any time soon, if ever. The victim especially would go on through life never letting themselves be truly loved by anyone else, they might be shaking on the inside and scared of their own shadow. Most people know that if you want to change something, they'll have to stand up for themselves and change it on their own, but most people don't have a support group and furthermore, they don't want to be judged by others for looking like the victim instead of standing up for themselves and for most guys, it's a pride thing.
It's an issue that most men will ideally overcome, but many won't. Many men will live in the shadows of their abuser, the same way a woman would. Men are silent victims, and abuse in a relationship goes both ways.
Here are some key signs to identify narcissistic behavior. (The following symptoms of Narcissism were taken from The Mayo Clinic)
Symptoms of Narcissism:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerating your achievements and talents
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
- Requiring constant admiration
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
- Taking advantage of others to get what you want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Being envious of others and believing others envy you
- Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
If you are showing signs of narcissistic behavior, you should see a psychologist that holds a psychology degree, and you should not be prescribed medications for this type of behavior because it could have damaging effects to your body. Here are some of the negative effects of being a narcissist can have on your life. (Also taken from The Mayo Clinic)
The effects Narcissism can have:
- Relationship difficulties
- Problems at work or school
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Narcissism is not a joke, it is a serious subject that many do not have an education on. Google Search offers many articles on the matter and should be researched very thoroughly, because you might even be narcissistic and not even realize it.
How to get treatment for Narcissism:
- Research narcissistic behavior
- Have a goal of treatment results
- Avoid psychiatric drugs
- Take hypnotherapy sessions
- Try family or group therapy
While there are several treatment options available, I really would like to drive home that you avoid psychiatrists and stick to psychologists that hold a degree in psychology. Most psychological therapists are just drug pushers, and while they may want to help, they do not hold a degree in psychology. There is a major difference, and most people say that the only difference is that one can prescribe drugs and the other can't, but they aren't factoring in that there is a higher degree of education involved when it comes to psychologists and I encourage you to do your own research to find a good psychologist who offers hypnotherapy as a treatment option.
If you are willing to try the holistic route, you will thoroughly enjoy hypnotherapy because you take the effects of hypnotherapy into your subconscious mind, and it's like reprogramming your brain. You can experience a better life once your brain is free of the grip of your past abusive relationship. Meditation and clearing your mind on the regular works. You can make it past the abuse you've endured, and you will come out on the other side a better person.
What I do not like the most about going to Family Law court is the fact that they tell you that you cannot talk about your case to anyone else. They try to keep it very hush-hush about what goes down in the court. That doesn't set right with me, because fathers do not have rights when it comes to family law. You could be a victim of domestic abuse, and according to them, they want to convict you in criminal court, and then stomp all over you in family law, and then they don't want you to tell anyone about how you've been victimized. I am pursuing major changes in family court and criminal law, and I will not stop until it changes. You have a very big support group if you can take a moment to search for it, your family is willing to help. DO NOT BE A SILENT VICTIM, TELL SOMEBODY ABOUT HOW THE COURTS HAVE VICTIMIZED YOU!!!
If you have any questions, please contact me and I will help answer all the questions I can.